Why can't they invent something for us to marry instead of women?
When I was a child, during the Great Depression, my mother sent me to buy candles because our electricity had been turned off. I gave the clerk in the store my pennies for the candles, and he sarcastically said, "Didn't pay the electric bill?" I held my head up high and replied, "Of course we did, but we want to have dinner by candlelight tonight." I still laugh when I recall our "candlelight" dinner and the look on the clerk's face after my retort. We didn't have much money but we had pride. -- Jean Smidt via Reader's Digest
Moi speaks body language fluently, although with a slight French accent.
"If you speak when angry, you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret." - Groucho Marx
When a zoo's gorilla dies, the zookeeper hires an actor to don a costume and act like an ape until the zoo can get another one. In the cage, the actor makes faces, swings around and draws a huge crowd. He then crawls across the partition and atop the lions cage infuriating the animal. But the actor stays in character - until he loses his grip and falls into the lions cage. Terrified, the actor shouts, "Help! Help me!" Too late. The lion pounces, opens its massive jaws and whispers, "Shut up! Do you want to get us both fired?!"
Dear first-grade journal,
Today is the end of the week. Mr. Scary is taking attendance. Attendance is the school word for who isn't here today. There are lots of children out sick in room one. I am going to count them I think. I will be back in a minute. Okay here is a teensy problem I just ran into. Cause how can I count people who aren't here. On account of they didn't show up apparently. Taking attendance is harder than it looks.
Junie B., First Grader
A man is talking to God. "God how long is a million years?"
God answers, "To me, it's about a minute."
"God how much is a million dollars?"
"To me, it's a penny."
"God may I have a penny?"
"Wait a minute."
How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but they have to do it during dinner.